9:12 PM

It's been months...

It's been a while since I've used the site. I've mostly not needed it. Venting publically always seems to cause drama or hurt people around me. I hate this time of year. It's nothing but shit memories and feelings. Not even just for me, but for the people around me as well. It's sickening to think about the past. I'm drained. I hardly have motivation to pull myself out of bed and I'm failing my duty to help her. It's way harder for her this time of year and my problems don't even remotely come close to rivaling hers. I can't provide even the simplest of emotional relief and it's fucking destroying me.
I don't know what it is that prevents me from being even the tinyest amount of comforting but I just fucking can't. I feel like my mother. Everyone in my family says she never could really love and that was what was wrong with her. They also like to reassure me I'm not like her. What if I am?
Am I even able to posess the concept of love and care? I feel like I can, how the hell couldn't I? Whenever I try to help someone I just fail.

I can't write this shit. I need a place to fucking vent but everytime I do I just end up hurting people. If you know me, I'm sorry.


5:06 PM

Verge of a fucking relapse.

I've spent every night for the last few nights staying up until the early hours of the morning. I keep finding myself reliving the shitty fucking memories of that last two years. Just over and over I'm playing them in my head. It's not helping me deal with the shit that's been going on recently. I've been so fucking stressed for a while now. I thought at this point shit would be easier to deal with since I'd finally be able to release what's been building up. But now I can't even clarify the shit that's been bothering me most. All of my doubts are starting to dissolve. I want shit to be okay for everyone. But I'd much rather be able to fucking get out this shit and not sit here in silence and suffer. I don't want to fucking act like I'm okay to be around you now. I feel like this is just short term but I also can't make up my goddamn mind on whether or not I can allow myself to believe that. It's so fucking painful to have to just sit back and handle shit myself because I fucking can't. It's been so obvious that I can't handle shit on my own. I've tried so fucking hard for so long to be everything I can for you and you fucking just shit on me like this.
I'm hurt.
Do I really have the right to feel this way? No. Will I ever? Never.